I Haven't Been Transparent With You All Lately...

            I haven't been transparent with you guys much... I mean I have been going through some personal struggles with a friendship ending, which I do not really want to talk about it but I needed to be more transparent that depression has been real lately. I have been struggling and having a really hard time. I've kept and bottling things up which is not a healthy thing to do whatsoever. I need to start journaling how I am feeling and the book is next to me but I haven't yet written and I need to get to it and start journaling in it daily will help me release all this anger that I am feeling inside of me right now. I feel so angry at the situation and bottling it up right now doesn't help whatsoever. 

           Also my grandma's 1 year anniversary since she passed away was yesterday and I was feeling it yesterday. I noticed on streams how angry I was and I feel it this morning so I have decided to stop streaming video games all together and just do videos with behind the scenes and the weekly just chatting streams. I will be deleting the gaming content and I will be rebranding the channel but I will talk more about that on Wednesday's post. So I feel bad that I've let you guys down with not being transparent and I've noticed the hit it's taken on YouTube and Social Media. I promise to do better, be more transparent and be more open and honest with you guys moving forward. It will take me some time to start being more transparent and something I am going to start doing and planning to post more and be interactive with you all moving forward.

**** Update **** I have been diagnosed with Anxiety and going on medication, this will most definitely help me out. 

I hope you enjoy the rest of your Monday and as always I will talk to you all tomorrow!

Chris

I Admit I've Been Stressed and Depressed...

            As you saw yesterday, I was a bit of stressed but also my depression has been bad since my grandma passed things have been all over the place and the fact I am now opening up a little over 2 months later, I couldn't hide the truth why sometimes, I have been either quiet or going off about stuff and to be honest I should of said something sooner not hide it by having my Community Manager stalling things for me and just telling you guys I needed space right now as I am doing personal things right now. That is the personal things going on with me right now. It will take some time for me to heal but I just need this drama to end as I cannot always be around, there is content to do and what not. 

               Not only that, trying to keep up with Power Rangers Collab hasn't been the best something always came up where I am unable to work on it. I have been trying and I want to get it done and finished by the end of July and why the schedule has been shifted about numerous times but we're getting there. As you know the anniversaries came first before anything else then June and so forth. Anyways that is what has been going on with me and the truth is out and for now on there will be an open door policy moving forward. I will talk to you all tomorrow.

Chris

The Past 2 Weeks With ChrisBOnTheWeb Has Been Tough

                 I have a very rough last 2 weeks with ChrisBOnTheWeb where I've just given up on it. Alas I am still around and still creating regardless how I feel. I know I have felt like I've just lost the will to continue on with this website but still trecking along with content. This week got a bunch of interviews and regular podcasts written notes so I have em ready to go followed by working on Power Rangers Collab which I am currently working on Super Samurai at the moment and hopefully get it sent out to Larry a week tomorrow so he has em so we can record on last podcast via Skype before his return to the studio in June. Anyways off topic as usual but that is what I have been up to since and just trying to catch up especially on the collaboration as time is a ticking and I wanna stay on schedule so we will be ready for Dino Charge this fall. 

                 Not letting my mental health, depression or anyone drag me down all together. I started to smile back on Monday and been in a better mood. I've let certain people drag me right down to a point I've wanted out of ChrisBOnTheWeb. I've wanted out of CBOTW for 2 years now but seem to not have the courage to give up. To be quite honest, I am glad I have never quit. What would I have done with my extra time when it came to my day to day. What would I have done with the money that I have earned as I wouldnt get the full amount as I didn't hit the threshold of 100 bucks. Either way I am constantly fighting through all the issues and started to smile more and get more work done. Anyways that is the post for today, I will talk to you guys tomorrow for the final blog of the week which is the end of the week updates.

Chris

I Admit I Haven't Been Myself Lately....

              I do admit it, I haven't been myself and stress and handling so much at once doesn't really help either which is definitely not a good thing. I think I am just taking on too much and letting the drama get to me and that obviously rowels me up and I end up not sleeping at night or I just end up back in a slump again. I think a few things that is probably bothering me is not just the workload for ChrisBOnTheWeb but also since Ruth Ann and Kevin passed, I have struggled with it recently and I am not using this for views I am just being open and honest and I have been keeping it very quiet to today's post and only post I will make. I know it will take some time to heal and I am glad I continued to work on ChrisBOnTheWeb and keep myself busy and probably the best thing to keep busy and my mind off the pain.  

               The next thing is the stuff going on behind the scenes here and it has been completely crazy drama recently and I am trying to steer clear of it happening but it's been almost a week since it happened and things have slowly quieted down for us and we're doing everything that we can to make sure there is no more problems. Anyways let's move on to my mental health has not been the best lately with this pandemic recently and it's actually started to drag me down where I have been stuck in the house a lot more then usual and just not use to being at home all the time, I am use to going out, being with friends, going to Staples and I know I have to hang in there and there will be a day and time when I will be able to do that all again hopefully soon but for the most I have to get my parents to drive me and pick me up which is fine with me. I will bounced back and I already have, I have been smiling in the last 12 + hours and it is definitely a start. I am just taking it one day at a time and the fact I have started being up during the night again doesn't help but I am going to lie down and sleep when my body tells me to. I think it has to do with the fact I do not really go anywhere and that I am home majority of the time so my body is a bit thrown off but again I am taking one day at a time and honestly that is what I need to do.

Chris

I Am Over 2020.. SMH!

            I am so over this year. This year has been the worse not just me, ChrisBOnTheWeb... I had a host for Big Brother Canada Recaps but things ended up going wrong and not just the start of things Big Brother Canada was shortened and of course the podcast you all knew and loved was cancelled entirely as we just did not know what was to happen in the way of Reality TV Shows minus Big Brother 22, Tough As Nails and Amazing Race. We found out there will be no Survivor and I was just getting so overwhelmed with it, I ended up turning the podcast loose and it has been archived. Don't get me wrong Reality Teas, Billy and Larry were great through all the things and they were right I had to do what makes me happy.  Anyways on top of that I had 2 people I knew, one from softball and the other person I knew from High School which she was a classmate of mine in Home Ech. So this year has had it's up's and down with depression and frustrations to mental health being really bad this year. 

           I am just over with 2020 and with this virus or pandemic, it's really made me to readjust my everyday schedule even for myself and the Staff of ChrisBOnTheWeb. As you know I put our studio on lock down  Anyways I am just ready for 2021 and a fresh start to a new year to be honest as I am just tired of all of this and it's been nothing but one thing after another to be honest. Another thing I would like to mention I have been on and off with the depression since being locked up in the house for the past but I am trying to hang in there to be honest but 2020 really stunk this year. I am just ready for Christmas and the New Year to come and bring in a new year for us. I just cannot wait till I have freedom to roam around the city again and I know that day is going to come. I already spoke about my parents taking me to the mall and I take the bus back but that's much later, I am not ready for that stage yet. I am only taking 5 - 12 minute bus trips for now as I am still very much uncomfortable right now. Anyways I cannot wait till the end of the year and wish it would HURRY UP! lol.

Chris

2 Weeks In Self Isolation!

           It has been 2 weeks since I have been in self isolation and honestly going a little crazy and been sleeping a ton during the day and up the night time working on things so right now I am the complete opposite of what my sleep was when I was out and about and honestly. However when I was up and about what did I do? I worked on the podcast obviously and made sure it was up on time and that has obviously been an issue lately with me getting it up on time. However you guys still get the podcast one way or another but I need to get back on track. Also I have been trying to watch Power Rangers Time Force and going to be working on that today after my 15 - 20 min outing to the bank so I am able to pay my parents for rent or my butt is out the door but I know they wouldn't do that. One thing I do not really have to do is get my bus pass and I need to get in touch with the transit company here to find out where I can get it as things that aren't essential are closed right now due to the virus.  Either way I am still working on things and as I said in Sunday post, I am working on things slowly at a slower pace but I think with me not sleeping well is coming to an end and I will get a more steady sleep. 


              So with that please bare with me through this hard times and I can honestly I haven't been myself,  I have been depressed and just fed up of being at home 24-7. I know it is what we have to do right now and gotta deal with it and try and hang in there but again I have really and am struggling on a daily basis and not sure how much longer my mental health can take it honestly. However everyday I am fighting the mental health and depression and honestly it is one day at a time and I've had headaches cause I'm stressing myself out and just cannot wait till things get back to normal honestly and when is the question as I'm not doing well mentally and nothing I can do to help me cope with being home 24-7. I am going to the cemetery with my dad to take down wreaths  and don't worry I will be safe as I am going to be in the car and there will not be anyone there so I should be OK but having second thoughts going now but my parents understand why I don't wanna go but I have to decide soon what I wanna do. I can stay in the car if I wish and might just do that but again I gotta do what's best for me and my friends told me to go it'll be good for me so I am going to do that and from here on out after that I am back in Isolation and staying in my area. No more long trips.



Chris

I Just Do Not Know Anymore...

               Friendships has been tested this year between 3 friendships which are now done, I am at a point, I just do not want to do Chris B On The Web for what I was doing before. I know I have become quite popular with Everything About Reality TV but honestly since the friendship I have made a decision maybe I need to step down from the Big Brother 21 and Amazing Race Canada 7 recaps for the summer, however I do not have anyone to replace me, so I am stuck with the recaps but I maybe I just need to get the heck away from here for 6 days and yes I am referring to the holiday I am taking. I just cannot be done with Everything About Reality TV like that, I have gained so many listeners over time and to quit now while I have a good momentum with viewership and now adding on to the list Twitch.TV as a video platform since I am refusing the heck out of YouTube as the platform is not like it use to honestly.  Right now it is hard for me to even think about the podcast even though I made a plan to continue on with the podcast but right now, I am starting to have second thoughts. I know this podcast has been running since September 2015 which this year marks the 4th year of it being on the air, I just do not wanna to let you guys down and I am made so many strides in the last year with being reached out by companies and of course network that reached out to me about covering Music City so there is reason why this podcast has stayed around such a long time.


               I honestly do not know what to do, I lost pretty much all my listeners on Twitch and have to start from scratch again, this is why I wanted to stay Audio ONLY and unsure if to go to YouTube or Twitch or where as my Twitch account is on it's last leg as it has been banned twice so I really have to be careful but I never really thought about doing video whatsoever with the podcast and even before getting more and more requests to do the podcast live, I just not sure if it is the right fit for it honestly but giving it a go indefinitely and I know I have people interested and maybe once I get the ball rolling with the podcast it will be a lot more busier in the chatroom but do not forget I am just started out. I should just try and go with the flow and maybe I am just over thinking things especially with going away this Friday and nervous for when I return home to catching back up with it. It will all work out in the end and I am sure I'll be just fine. I just gotta get through being down and depressed and being around a friend is what I just need tomorrow and I cannot wait to hangout with them.




Chris

Feels Like 2016 All Over Again....

           Right now I am not thinking straight right now.... As you know with the recent additions to the podcast I think I am just overwhelmed and not myself and I am so confused with things and people are literally worried about me right now. Honestly my mental state or mental health isn't all there right now. I need to learn to just deal with it and work with the schedule and I always record in the mornings so I should continue on with it honestly. Honestly this is only for a few weeks then I am down to 2 per weeks which is half of what the schedule is going to be starting next week so what the heck am I honestly complaining about. It's only a few freakin weeks honestly which isn't much and the final weeks of both Big Brother Canada & Survivor Edge of Extinction will go quite quickly. I just gotta work hard and make sure I am going to have it ready for the actual release at the new times that I have mentioned. 


              What did I mean it feels like 2016.... I just feel with everything going on right now it feels like how The Entertainment Man Talk Show ended in the final months of it's existence and I just do not want Everything About Reality TV ending in the same way that ended and if it ended anytime soon, it would definitely be on a good high note as of right now I am currently standing at 191 Episodes, 192 today as I recorded yet again today for the Preview of Amazing Race 31 which starts a week today which should be exciting honestly I should show the excitement levels. If I think of it, if it ends start of June to Mid June at the most which I do not know when the finale will be at this moment but I am sure I will have a few weeks off from this podcast and I think I will be not doing many off season podcasts, I am going to take the break I need without worrying about it. 


                 Honestly I do not want it to end up like almost 3 years ago as I was in a very dark place and honestly it felt like that tonight as I felt the control I had slipping through my fingers and I was going back into my old ways. I don't need to go back that way cause it wasn't a pretty face to see honestly and this all started back two days ago at the mall when visiting with Eric. I am just not with it and I am in need a mental break from doing this podcast which when I was on YouTube before this begun, I didn't have that break and it feels like that even now. When I was not in the right frame of mind which I did really stupid things to myself and it's no lies and honestly I do not wanna go back into that depression and corner like I was in and I assure you this is not going to happen again. I am just currently in a funk and need to get out of it and fast.



Chris

Having The I Miss YouTube Blues....

          With the 2 year anniversary of me leaving YouTube, I admit recently, I feel like I miss YouTube as a whole and I really shouldn't be feeling like this, thought I was over YouTube after a year to a year and a half later on but I guess not... I kind of felt the same way with the supposedly 10th Birthday of The Entertainment Man Talk Show few weeks back on the 23rd of last month. I mean, I'm happy in the podcasts on Audio ONLY and seen quite amazing growth with it, wish I could go back to do the podcast LIVE on YouTube but again, I need to remember I had such an amazing run on YouTube, I had my time on the platform and I am now doing what I love to do and that is podcasting and mind you things have progressed quite well so to speak. 

            Maybe I am actually thinking about the 2 year anniversary, that's all, that could be all, I just having bad memories on how things ended for me? That is what I am thinking, I could just be thinking about the way things ended. I mean everything is coming flowing back with the way things ended, Eric & Larry quitting on me. The Entertainment Man Talk Show ending, me being all over the place towards the end, being unsure.  However, it is still tough to this day, almost 2 years later and I thought I would be over this but apparently I am not for some really odd reason and I just cannot pinpoint why I am suddenly feeling this odd feelings of regret.

            However, I need to realize, I am happier with podcasting and it has indeed been a whirlwind of excitement and craziness with the scheduling of each and every episode of Everything About Reality TV & The CBOTW Show Podcasts. I am always on YouTube still subscribed to my favorite channels still and watch them on my spare time as well, so I am very much still active in the YouTube community but rarely comment on videos but will from time to time if I have a comment to say but I am still part of the community as a listener and fan, not creating content for you guys on the platform anymore. 

Chris

Been Feeling A Bit Down In The Last 2- 3 Days...

                 I cannot hide the facts that I haven't been myself lately and my moods have been all the over the place, there has been days I didn't want to take my medication for my PDD (Autism) but it's more the fact I feel like I wasted my time giving someone who was earning my trust back with it going out the window and really fast. That has been dragging me down in the last 2 - 3 days, just trying to figure out how to deal with this and to keep up with taking my medication as I know and experience, if I do not take it, then my temper is pretty bad and my friends have seen and do not want to see me miserable and unhappy and I really appreciate that family and friends have been there for me in the past but yes I hid the really facts why some posts weren't constructed well on social media, I just had that I don't really wanna post anything right now, not in the mood. You can tell by my voice for those who are on the Facebook Group live I did yesterday morning on my big adventure yesterday.


                 I am really grateful for great family members and friends who I can count on to cheer me up when I am down in the dumps and recently that has been the case. My friend and former staff member from my previous life as a YouTube is a prime example, he was able to calm me down within a few minutes as I was really fired up and I won't get into specific details of the situation as that is personal but he was able to calm me down and get me to change my mind about going out yesterday and enjoying the day out and trust me I sure did enjoy myself so much I wanna do it again soon! LOL. 


                   Which brings me to today, since i was back late and I am talking late, late like 11 - 11:15 pm EST which was well worth I tell you! But today I slept into today almost till noon but my mom woke me up as she was going out today so it was all good but been moping around the house and the studio today trying to get the Big Brother Canada 6 Cast Preview Podcast notes done and over with but no beef with getting it up tonight but if you tuned into the last podcast, I covered all my bases the other day as I said it would of been today or tomorrow. So today has not been a good day, been struggling all day, just really hope and pray tomorrow is a better day for me and I hope I can perk up and be happy again.

Have a great night!


Chris

Personal Update For November 12th, 2017

                I have been up and down in stress in the pass week with the work load of getting podcasts out on time, blog posts are out on a daily basis or at least every two days at the most but I am slacked off bringing out blog posts on a regular basis. Not only that friendships went out the door on me this week and it has put me back into a depression for about 2 - 3 days but Thursday were a better day for me about 12 noon when I was being with friends and after I got back and got moving on the podcast which was up in no time. I think it had a lot to do with the stress of the Audio ONLY Platform issues I was having throughout the week with both Player FM & TuneIn.com as well but that was cleared up with staff of both websites and the process time was much shorter then it was back on Monday or Tuesday night when I posted up the podcast from last week quite later then usual. I do feel bad for the lack of blog posts too, just not been motivated to write at the time or I get way to busy with other things but I do wanna write but some days I just don't feel like I want to, I lack motivation to do it, but I am writing it this morning thats for sure.

          
                  Sometimes I wonder why I am still doing podcasts and blog posts but I love to write and I love to talk "Reality TV" with you guys and the podcast has become ever so popular quickly out of the gate, I shouldn't give up on it whatsoever. I gotta someway, somehow motivate myself to get things back on track and I dont think blogs daily is going to work at this point so I will figure something out and put it on my list for the announcement & update for tomorrow. This is not going good as I have lost tons of followers because of the lack of updates and that puts me down but again I can't be on Twitter 24-7 that is my frustrating part of this as I got a life to live to and I cannot be tweeting but I try, that's what dragging me down is losing followers when I try to be as active as I can and I was active yesterday a tad bit but again I had my niece and nephew and couldn't tweet I was extremely busy or trying to save my data on my phone so I won't be in a wifi zone. So please understand where I'm coming from, but if you un-follow me then re-follow me constantly, may end up not following you back all together, might be changing the way things are for Twitter and following certain people but that is unsure at this moment of time. 


                      So that is what is going on with me and hope you understand the lack of tweets or Facebook updates, but I am still here and not going anywhere anytime soon and trying to keep you guys up to date as much as possible but sometimes it is hard when I am traveling from places without using my data as much as possible, so I am not ignoring you, just out of wifi zone or busy with things at the moment and I will get back to you soon as possible!


Have a fantastic Sunday!


Chris

Depression: How I Deal With It On A Regular Basis!

              I have had a rough go in the last year with staff betraying me and turning their backs on me and the change from YouTube to Podcasting field and I have had my share of depression and dealing with it quite often enough when stressed or this heat is driving me nuts, I tend to get down and depressed. 

               
                A few ways I deal with the depression are watching funny TV Shows such as Home Improvement, The Three Stooges, which I gotta say The Three Stooges will really lift my mood up and some of the days it doesn't help and that's OK, I just try to take it easy if that is the case I just try to deal with the situation to the best of my ability and try to keep a positive mind and some days when I am not having it and just don't wanna do crap for all, I just decide to play video games for a while or for the remainder of the night and get back to my task at hand in the morning when my mind is fresh and good to go.  That is the strategy when I am down and depressed on those particular days. I don't give up but sometimes walking away and leaving it be till the next day. Just yesterday if I remember I got back into catching up with Big Brother 19 Which I was behind 5 episodes from the past week and Amazing Race Canada 5 which I am not sure what in the world got me motivated, yes I have been down and depressed the last few days and I guess that motivation and drive came out of me wanting to get back to and catching up on the podcasts and now I am doing a blog post to catch up on these too! I guess when I get depressed, the drive and passion was there in my head, wanting to catch up with things try to continue on with Chris B On The Web. 


                    As long as I got that passion and drive to continue on with Chris B On The Web which is probably a good thing. These days I try to forget I am depressed and try and live my daily life to the fullest, it may not be easy but I try to make the best out of it everyday to the best of my ability and not worry about what makes me down and depressed, sometimes it catches up to me someday's I am so distracted, I am just purely just focused on the task at hand and it sometimes works and sometimes it doesn't. It truly depends what mood I am in, some days I dont wanna have it with any of my website and not do anything, some days like the last day or so, I wanna catch up like this week, which is good there is motivation still there for me.



Have a great night!



Chris

Depression...

Lately, I have been feeling really depressed with people accusing me of starting drama when they are the one's messaging me and starting the conversation. Then losing 4 friends over that situation, so I think I am staying with the people who care about me, because every time something like this or a friend turns their back on me like the one person did recently and I tell you, when I get depressed it lingers for 4 - 5 days sometimes more... Sometimes I can go out of it where I don't smile anymore... I haven't smiled much lately with the recent drama in my life... Also friends turning on me for no apparent reason as well that is making me a bit on the depressed side. 

That is not the only thing that I am depressed about is the fact I have not been in a relationship with anyone since my EX Girlfriend down in Ohio. I have found it hard and a struggle to find someone I can share with and has the same passions as I do. But someday soon I hope to find a girlfriend and never know where that will take me, I could end up married and maybe even find myself being a dad in the near future. But honestly I just gotta remain being myself and try to laugh a bit more and I have in the last 24 hours now watching the Meathead, Arrrrchie, Little Gorl and The Dingbat aka All In The Family from the 70's. For those who don't me that well yet and who read my blog didn't know I love the old TV comedy shows. So that is my positive get away from the life drama being thrown at me watching a few or in my case almost an entire season of All In The Family. And it lifts up my spirits quickly. Other thing that helps is me listening to T Swift (Taylor Swift)- Shake It Off https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfWlot6h_JM or Avicci- Wake me up! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5y_KJAg8bHI  Hope this helps you with depression if you got it and feeling depressed, take a listen to it. 


Have a great Tuesday!


Chris