I Haven't Been Transparent With You All Lately...

            I haven't been transparent with you guys much... I mean I have been going through some personal struggles with a friendship ending, which I do not really want to talk about it but I needed to be more transparent that depression has been real lately. I have been struggling and having a really hard time. I've kept and bottling things up which is not a healthy thing to do whatsoever. I need to start journaling how I am feeling and the book is next to me but I haven't yet written and I need to get to it and start journaling in it daily will help me release all this anger that I am feeling inside of me right now. I feel so angry at the situation and bottling it up right now doesn't help whatsoever. 

           Also my grandma's 1 year anniversary since she passed away was yesterday and I was feeling it yesterday. I noticed on streams how angry I was and I feel it this morning so I have decided to stop streaming video games all together and just do videos with behind the scenes and the weekly just chatting streams. I will be deleting the gaming content and I will be rebranding the channel but I will talk more about that on Wednesday's post. So I feel bad that I've let you guys down with not being transparent and I've noticed the hit it's taken on YouTube and Social Media. I promise to do better, be more transparent and be more open and honest with you guys moving forward. It will take me some time to start being more transparent and something I am going to start doing and planning to post more and be interactive with you all moving forward.

**** Update **** I have been diagnosed with Anxiety and going on medication, this will most definitely help me out. 

I hope you enjoy the rest of your Monday and as always I will talk to you all tomorrow!

Chris

I Was Stressed Out!

               I was stressed out as the title says. For once it's nothing to do with ChrisBOnTheWeb for once. It's more IRL stuff going on here in Ontario Canada to a point, I am stressed out from arguing, stressed out from worrying about my friends. This weekend I just snapped and ended up blowing off a phone call with a friend and it hasn't happened like this in about a month now where I just didn't wanna talk to anyone. Maybe right now I just need my space to be on my own. I am not going anywhere as of right now and I probably fear that Larry will wanna get together for a hangout which as you know production for Dino Charge is on hold till January and at some point I will get to it and the way I figured it out in my head I should have it done by Christmas.

              That is besides the point that I wanna make, the point is for once it isn't about ChrisBOnTheWeb, it's just personal stuff going on that has been worrying and stressing out right now. Don't get me wrong, I am excited for 2023 and the next season of Entertainment Man Podcast, Power Rangers Collab wrapping up it's last full year of seasons before we get into one offs that we wanna do and of course The CBOTW Show as well. Friday, Saturday and Sunday, I just didn't do anything, I fiddled with the website and played video games. However, today I am back to editing grind and getting all the seasons done by end of this weekend so I can type and maybe we could possibly still record. Anyways that is my post, I will talk to you all tomorrow!

Chris

Dealing With Stress

             Recently I have struggled with depression and stress and part of the depression is the stress I am going through with ChrisBOnTheWeb. I try to get the collab done in time for the 3rd but yet to really bury myself into the notes. I just did not have the time, was always busy with the interviews and one of the reasons I took some time off as I felt like I wasn't paying attention enough to the collab. Other reason was I needed some time to do more from the heart episodes but don't worry, I will be back to those by November 6th with scheduling them. I will be by then finished with the collab. I think it is more that I am not using very good time management skills right now and that is something I need to work on is my time management skills to ensure things do get done even if I was to do half on one the other half on another. 

            I have been struggling and been more in my moods lately and hasn't let up. Even on my meds for Autism it doesn't seem to have helped with my moods. I at times I end up just not functioning fully where I just wanna play video games and not work and that hasn't helped whatsoever with getting work. Been trying to motivate myself so I can get the work done and Saturday and Sunday showed it. Saturday I really tried up to late in the day I started to record and get things out. Sunday I charged hard at it and got 2 of the 3 podcasts done. Somewhere inside me  I really was trying my hardest to not let the stress and mental health get in my way. I have been fighting this for a while but not giving up. I will get all this content done and I will catch up. I know I can, just need to give some positive reinforcement with myself and I will get myself caught up cause I know I can do it. Anyways that is the post for today and I will talk to you all tomorrow.

Chris

The Past 2 Weeks With ChrisBOnTheWeb Has Been Tough

                 I have a very rough last 2 weeks with ChrisBOnTheWeb where I've just given up on it. Alas I am still around and still creating regardless how I feel. I know I have felt like I've just lost the will to continue on with this website but still trecking along with content. This week got a bunch of interviews and regular podcasts written notes so I have em ready to go followed by working on Power Rangers Collab which I am currently working on Super Samurai at the moment and hopefully get it sent out to Larry a week tomorrow so he has em so we can record on last podcast via Skype before his return to the studio in June. Anyways off topic as usual but that is what I have been up to since and just trying to catch up especially on the collaboration as time is a ticking and I wanna stay on schedule so we will be ready for Dino Charge this fall. 

                 Not letting my mental health, depression or anyone drag me down all together. I started to smile back on Monday and been in a better mood. I've let certain people drag me right down to a point I've wanted out of ChrisBOnTheWeb. I've wanted out of CBOTW for 2 years now but seem to not have the courage to give up. To be quite honest, I am glad I have never quit. What would I have done with my extra time when it came to my day to day. What would I have done with the money that I have earned as I wouldnt get the full amount as I didn't hit the threshold of 100 bucks. Either way I am constantly fighting through all the issues and started to smile more and get more work done. Anyways that is the post for today, I will talk to you guys tomorrow for the final blog of the week which is the end of the week updates.

Chris

My Motivation Hasn't Been All There Lately....

                   The last while, I am noticed that I haven't been motivated to work whatsoever as I have been dealing with depression and mental health being stuck in Isolation nearly 8 months now and it has been a struggle. I have been really trying to get the workload done and finished and I managed to finish it. I have to realize this, I have to put my priorities in order and I have been good to do that. With not being as motivated has put both Larry and I behind schedule with the Collaboration Podcast and it is my fault. honestly. I wasn't prioritizing myself properly. Today for example I know what I have to do is get the podcast recorded this morning for the weekend, edit and I am sure while I edit I will end up start the next collab podcast while waiting for the recording of the current one to happen. Anyways I need to remember to know when to stop with the workload and I need to stop at like 3 or 4 pm EST or even take breaks to help me get refocused and keep on the right track.

                    I know I haven't been overly active on Social much and lost tons of followers but I need to remember to make posts from time to time.  In the end my Mental Health is the most important thing for me to get under control first and that is why some days you don't see much in making many posts at this moment and I promise you guys I need to get posting a ton more during the day. I made a video post yesterday which is very rare I do anymore as I am just busy with the work. I need to be more on the ball with being active on Social Medias and I know when I am depressed like I have been, I tend to not say anything.  I should be a bit more open with you guys to be honest to how I am feeling and the fact I have been working non stop doesn't help with my depression nor the motivation of bringing out content especially on time like today which is extremely late coming out but that's OK we have lives to live. In the end I really need to buck down on social media posts more and start making a ton of posts as recently lost a ton of followers.

Chris

Been Feeling Distant From ChrisBOnTheWeb and Creating Content

                 The last few days have been rough since Friday night and someone saying really rude things to me that helped me with the notes stuff and your wondering how they are able to i scanned the notes and sent them over that's how I did it. Anyways last time I really worked on any of that was Thursday when I worked the entire day to get myself to EP # 15 as I said in yesterday's blog post. Yesterday I most definitely did work on it to ensure I get it finished this week so I can start working on the next one and try and keep on a schedule as I have had questions to when the next recording is as him and I are now not on speaking terms again and kind of my own fault for going off and maybe I just need a few days away from him to think things through and right now I have him on ignore but that could change later on. Yes we are behind schedule and we're trying to catch up on this and with me always getting mad and threatening to stop the podcast again. I am at a point this has become a common thread that I am unsure with the future of this podcast and the fact I am unsure if I wanna continue. I can say this, Larry and I almost 2 weeks ago spoke about the end point of the Power Rangers Collaboration Podcast but really I never want it to end at this point. It gives me that time to spend with Larry even if it is through Skype with these uncertainty of times for all of us. 

               I am really struggling with getting things done and one day at a time and I know Larry will talk things out with me. Little tidbit I wasn't planning to record the next Collab Podcast till March of April technically. I wanna make sure we are back on track again and ensure we are on the right path. I know I have not bee in the greatest spirit and I appreciate each one of you reaching out me and I promise you guys I am getting back to the grind and I will announce to when the podcast notes is done and the announcement to when Larry and I are recording and don't worry it's not far off. It can sooner then you think. Like I said to Eric, I have that I don't really care attitude as I'm not letting trolls bother me no more.

Chris

Chris Is On A Partial Leave of Absence...

           Well, you trolls won... You drove poor Chris to insanity and stress. He pours his time and effort into content, to continuing to grow this website, give him a darn break! He works countless hours without a break whatsoever, he works day in and day out and you tell him to get better content when he is working hard. It has been nothing but trolls and insults and rudeness towards him and the entire team. We lost one staff cause of ex staff being rude... It's driven him to a mental breakdown. I'm sorry but I have to vent because enough is enough with all of this. So the news I have is that Chris has decided with my help and suggestions to take a leave of absence from the administration side of things. However he will not be steering away from podcasts notes, Entertainment Man Podcast & Power Rangers Collaboration Podcast and he will tweet updates from time to time when he's not busy to say hi or any updates on the podcast planning but I will also be tweeting and posting to social media as well. 

            Chris has been unhappy for nearly 2 months now and I saw this coming even before I took over the role of Community Manager and been around the ChrisBOnTheWeb Socials and the website. I may be taking on a bigger role within the team as Administrator but I will also be still pertaining the Community Manager role as normally. I am just taking on a second role while boss man is away getting better and dealing with his depression. Honestly I can say this, Chris has thought about giving me full Ownership and stepping down as Owner of the website and group but glad he has decided to do this and I've been trying to get him to take time away from the admin side of things to focus on the project aspect. Do not worry I was one of the 2 between myself and Mark who helped and built the menu bar and social media buttons on the website so I do have experience in coding and I previously helped him with the Original ChrisBOnTheWeb.com on that other provider that Chris doesn't really like... Finally you will be seeing more posts from me unless Chris decides to pop on to say hi and do a post. Do not worry, he is going to be back and when is the question as I cannot really tell you guys at this point when he is planning to start doing his normal everyday duties. Let's just hope he doesn't have to take another leave again cause of you trolls. Let me give you a warning, you once insult us or disrespect us, you will be banned and not allowed back. We have no room for trolls as wanna keep things flowing well and have been flowing well with new programming coming soon to the website. I will address that this week at some point. 

Jim, CBOTW Admin/Community Manager

I Am Over 2020.. SMH!

            I am so over this year. This year has been the worse not just me, ChrisBOnTheWeb... I had a host for Big Brother Canada Recaps but things ended up going wrong and not just the start of things Big Brother Canada was shortened and of course the podcast you all knew and loved was cancelled entirely as we just did not know what was to happen in the way of Reality TV Shows minus Big Brother 22, Tough As Nails and Amazing Race. We found out there will be no Survivor and I was just getting so overwhelmed with it, I ended up turning the podcast loose and it has been archived. Don't get me wrong Reality Teas, Billy and Larry were great through all the things and they were right I had to do what makes me happy.  Anyways on top of that I had 2 people I knew, one from softball and the other person I knew from High School which she was a classmate of mine in Home Ech. So this year has had it's up's and down with depression and frustrations to mental health being really bad this year. 

           I am just over with 2020 and with this virus or pandemic, it's really made me to readjust my everyday schedule even for myself and the Staff of ChrisBOnTheWeb. As you know I put our studio on lock down  Anyways I am just ready for 2021 and a fresh start to a new year to be honest as I am just tired of all of this and it's been nothing but one thing after another to be honest. Another thing I would like to mention I have been on and off with the depression since being locked up in the house for the past but I am trying to hang in there to be honest but 2020 really stunk this year. I am just ready for Christmas and the New Year to come and bring in a new year for us. I just cannot wait till I have freedom to roam around the city again and I know that day is going to come. I already spoke about my parents taking me to the mall and I take the bus back but that's much later, I am not ready for that stage yet. I am only taking 5 - 12 minute bus trips for now as I am still very much uncomfortable right now. Anyways I cannot wait till the end of the year and wish it would HURRY UP! lol.

Chris

2 Weeks In Self Isolation!

           It has been 2 weeks since I have been in self isolation and honestly going a little crazy and been sleeping a ton during the day and up the night time working on things so right now I am the complete opposite of what my sleep was when I was out and about and honestly. However when I was up and about what did I do? I worked on the podcast obviously and made sure it was up on time and that has obviously been an issue lately with me getting it up on time. However you guys still get the podcast one way or another but I need to get back on track. Also I have been trying to watch Power Rangers Time Force and going to be working on that today after my 15 - 20 min outing to the bank so I am able to pay my parents for rent or my butt is out the door but I know they wouldn't do that. One thing I do not really have to do is get my bus pass and I need to get in touch with the transit company here to find out where I can get it as things that aren't essential are closed right now due to the virus.  Either way I am still working on things and as I said in Sunday post, I am working on things slowly at a slower pace but I think with me not sleeping well is coming to an end and I will get a more steady sleep. 


              So with that please bare with me through this hard times and I can honestly I haven't been myself,  I have been depressed and just fed up of being at home 24-7. I know it is what we have to do right now and gotta deal with it and try and hang in there but again I have really and am struggling on a daily basis and not sure how much longer my mental health can take it honestly. However everyday I am fighting the mental health and depression and honestly it is one day at a time and I've had headaches cause I'm stressing myself out and just cannot wait till things get back to normal honestly and when is the question as I'm not doing well mentally and nothing I can do to help me cope with being home 24-7. I am going to the cemetery with my dad to take down wreaths  and don't worry I will be safe as I am going to be in the car and there will not be anyone there so I should be OK but having second thoughts going now but my parents understand why I don't wanna go but I have to decide soon what I wanna do. I can stay in the car if I wish and might just do that but again I gotta do what's best for me and my friends told me to go it'll be good for me so I am going to do that and from here on out after that I am back in Isolation and staying in my area. No more long trips.



Chris

5 Years Ago I Was An Mess

             5 years ago, we lost my aunt whom I was so close to. Both of my aunt Maria and aunt Margaret, I was close to. I think I should of not been casting at the time and taken some personal time off. Because it was a disaster of a night on March 27th, 2015, from someone putting me down to me doing self harm and being banned. I think that was the point of me hanging up my casting shoes but as you know I went straight to Twitch for gaming which didn't last that long really. You know I think of it now, I should of just stayed off for a while and I am sure my listeners would of understood why I went off. Either way 5 years later, I feel sad but I am just remembering the memories and some of the memories is trying Thai food for the very first time and boy I really enjoyed it. The lunches I went over there was one of my favorite weeks as I went every second week for lunch with Afternoon visits on the other weeks. Funny thing to mention my aunt as yesterday morning at 3 am the alarm went off and with today being the 5 year since she passed kind of thinking either of my aunts pulling a practical joke as I woke up to it at 3 am yesterday morning.


              I realize and know being close to a loved one like my aunts, grandma, I knew I was going to be in for a rough time and we all deal with loss of a loved one differently and I guess I lost it entirely and even to this day I regret it but now I know she's proud of me for what I have done with my life, becoming who I am, a better man. Also healthier person, mentally. Anyways I am going to have my favorite drink this afternoon and just sit back and remember some of the good times. Sorry for a short post but better then nothing. I do still miss my aunt but I can always remember the good times I had with her and my other aunts. Also there is pictures that we have I can always look at as we got a ton of pictures of both of em both at the old house in Toronto and also here in my region.



Chris

My Mental Health Is Better Then It Has Been!

              I can be honest with you guys, my mental health has been better then it has been. I mean with friends turning on me this year, my mental health got bad again and I really had to deal with hence one of the reasons I stopped volunteering this year to deal with myself first. My mental health and well-being is the upmost importance to me at this time. I have been working on getting myself a lot happier and it has been honestly an uphill battle especially with dealing with Everything About Reality TV and what I really wanna do if I wanted to continue or just call it quits with it and honestly I think this one of the reasons I have been down and not myself as this podcast has really brought me down and I can say 4 years, 12 seasons, over 240 + Episodes it is the right time to stop the podcast and move on and I am happier now with the right decisions. I have to think what is best for me and makes me the happiest and this is the best decision. Now with friends, like I said I know who my friends are after losing 2 friends I know who my real friends are and happy with the friends I got right now. I am feeling so much better that I have control of my own life and not let anyone get in the way. Eric really opened up my mind in the past few weeks and has made me think so that has helped me.


                I can say I am in a much happier place now and nothing will stop my happiness and one thing I am planning on doing is staying positive and it has helped me as the more positive I am the better things are for me. I have been thinking things a lot more clearly and sometimes I will talk things out in my studio and figure things out. Also I have been thinking about the pros and cons of things and honestly it has helped me. Either way I am a lot happier and able to think clearly, however with my podcast ending, it will really help me clear up but give me a few weeks and the motivation and happiness will be up but right now I have to focus on finishing up the podcast then take the next step. That is another thing, I am able to take baby steps and one step at a time as some things are a step by step but I have to also take one day at a time and that seems to help as well. Either way I am a happy go lucky person and my happiness is what matters as I do not want to go back into a depression ever again, I want to remain happy. I know in the end it is not easy even with someone that has autism since I was young and I just have to somehow deal with it and with the tools I have been given, I need to continue to follow it. 



Chris

Feels Like 2016 All Over Again....

           Right now I am not thinking straight right now.... As you know with the recent additions to the podcast I think I am just overwhelmed and not myself and I am so confused with things and people are literally worried about me right now. Honestly my mental state or mental health isn't all there right now. I need to learn to just deal with it and work with the schedule and I always record in the mornings so I should continue on with it honestly. Honestly this is only for a few weeks then I am down to 2 per weeks which is half of what the schedule is going to be starting next week so what the heck am I honestly complaining about. It's only a few freakin weeks honestly which isn't much and the final weeks of both Big Brother Canada & Survivor Edge of Extinction will go quite quickly. I just gotta work hard and make sure I am going to have it ready for the actual release at the new times that I have mentioned. 


              What did I mean it feels like 2016.... I just feel with everything going on right now it feels like how The Entertainment Man Talk Show ended in the final months of it's existence and I just do not want Everything About Reality TV ending in the same way that ended and if it ended anytime soon, it would definitely be on a good high note as of right now I am currently standing at 191 Episodes, 192 today as I recorded yet again today for the Preview of Amazing Race 31 which starts a week today which should be exciting honestly I should show the excitement levels. If I think of it, if it ends start of June to Mid June at the most which I do not know when the finale will be at this moment but I am sure I will have a few weeks off from this podcast and I think I will be not doing many off season podcasts, I am going to take the break I need without worrying about it. 


                 Honestly I do not want it to end up like almost 3 years ago as I was in a very dark place and honestly it felt like that tonight as I felt the control I had slipping through my fingers and I was going back into my old ways. I don't need to go back that way cause it wasn't a pretty face to see honestly and this all started back two days ago at the mall when visiting with Eric. I am just not with it and I am in need a mental break from doing this podcast which when I was on YouTube before this begun, I didn't have that break and it feels like that even now. When I was not in the right frame of mind which I did really stupid things to myself and it's no lies and honestly I do not wanna go back into that depression and corner like I was in and I assure you this is not going to happen again. I am just currently in a funk and need to get out of it and fast.



Chris

Personal Update For November 12th, 2017

                I have been up and down in stress in the pass week with the work load of getting podcasts out on time, blog posts are out on a daily basis or at least every two days at the most but I am slacked off bringing out blog posts on a regular basis. Not only that friendships went out the door on me this week and it has put me back into a depression for about 2 - 3 days but Thursday were a better day for me about 12 noon when I was being with friends and after I got back and got moving on the podcast which was up in no time. I think it had a lot to do with the stress of the Audio ONLY Platform issues I was having throughout the week with both Player FM & TuneIn.com as well but that was cleared up with staff of both websites and the process time was much shorter then it was back on Monday or Tuesday night when I posted up the podcast from last week quite later then usual. I do feel bad for the lack of blog posts too, just not been motivated to write at the time or I get way to busy with other things but I do wanna write but some days I just don't feel like I want to, I lack motivation to do it, but I am writing it this morning thats for sure.

          
                  Sometimes I wonder why I am still doing podcasts and blog posts but I love to write and I love to talk "Reality TV" with you guys and the podcast has become ever so popular quickly out of the gate, I shouldn't give up on it whatsoever. I gotta someway, somehow motivate myself to get things back on track and I dont think blogs daily is going to work at this point so I will figure something out and put it on my list for the announcement & update for tomorrow. This is not going good as I have lost tons of followers because of the lack of updates and that puts me down but again I can't be on Twitter 24-7 that is my frustrating part of this as I got a life to live to and I cannot be tweeting but I try, that's what dragging me down is losing followers when I try to be as active as I can and I was active yesterday a tad bit but again I had my niece and nephew and couldn't tweet I was extremely busy or trying to save my data on my phone so I won't be in a wifi zone. So please understand where I'm coming from, but if you un-follow me then re-follow me constantly, may end up not following you back all together, might be changing the way things are for Twitter and following certain people but that is unsure at this moment of time. 


                      So that is what is going on with me and hope you understand the lack of tweets or Facebook updates, but I am still here and not going anywhere anytime soon and trying to keep you guys up to date as much as possible but sometimes it is hard when I am traveling from places without using my data as much as possible, so I am not ignoring you, just out of wifi zone or busy with things at the moment and I will get back to you soon as possible!


Have a fantastic Sunday!


Chris

Depression: How I Deal With It On A Regular Basis!

              I have had a rough go in the last year with staff betraying me and turning their backs on me and the change from YouTube to Podcasting field and I have had my share of depression and dealing with it quite often enough when stressed or this heat is driving me nuts, I tend to get down and depressed. 

               
                A few ways I deal with the depression are watching funny TV Shows such as Home Improvement, The Three Stooges, which I gotta say The Three Stooges will really lift my mood up and some of the days it doesn't help and that's OK, I just try to take it easy if that is the case I just try to deal with the situation to the best of my ability and try to keep a positive mind and some days when I am not having it and just don't wanna do crap for all, I just decide to play video games for a while or for the remainder of the night and get back to my task at hand in the morning when my mind is fresh and good to go.  That is the strategy when I am down and depressed on those particular days. I don't give up but sometimes walking away and leaving it be till the next day. Just yesterday if I remember I got back into catching up with Big Brother 19 Which I was behind 5 episodes from the past week and Amazing Race Canada 5 which I am not sure what in the world got me motivated, yes I have been down and depressed the last few days and I guess that motivation and drive came out of me wanting to get back to and catching up on the podcasts and now I am doing a blog post to catch up on these too! I guess when I get depressed, the drive and passion was there in my head, wanting to catch up with things try to continue on with Chris B On The Web. 


                    As long as I got that passion and drive to continue on with Chris B On The Web which is probably a good thing. These days I try to forget I am depressed and try and live my daily life to the fullest, it may not be easy but I try to make the best out of it everyday to the best of my ability and not worry about what makes me down and depressed, sometimes it catches up to me someday's I am so distracted, I am just purely just focused on the task at hand and it sometimes works and sometimes it doesn't. It truly depends what mood I am in, some days I dont wanna have it with any of my website and not do anything, some days like the last day or so, I wanna catch up like this week, which is good there is motivation still there for me.



Have a great night!



Chris

Depression...

Lately, I have been feeling really depressed with people accusing me of starting drama when they are the one's messaging me and starting the conversation. Then losing 4 friends over that situation, so I think I am staying with the people who care about me, because every time something like this or a friend turns their back on me like the one person did recently and I tell you, when I get depressed it lingers for 4 - 5 days sometimes more... Sometimes I can go out of it where I don't smile anymore... I haven't smiled much lately with the recent drama in my life... Also friends turning on me for no apparent reason as well that is making me a bit on the depressed side. 

That is not the only thing that I am depressed about is the fact I have not been in a relationship with anyone since my EX Girlfriend down in Ohio. I have found it hard and a struggle to find someone I can share with and has the same passions as I do. But someday soon I hope to find a girlfriend and never know where that will take me, I could end up married and maybe even find myself being a dad in the near future. But honestly I just gotta remain being myself and try to laugh a bit more and I have in the last 24 hours now watching the Meathead, Arrrrchie, Little Gorl and The Dingbat aka All In The Family from the 70's. For those who don't me that well yet and who read my blog didn't know I love the old TV comedy shows. So that is my positive get away from the life drama being thrown at me watching a few or in my case almost an entire season of All In The Family. And it lifts up my spirits quickly. Other thing that helps is me listening to T Swift (Taylor Swift)- Shake It Off https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfWlot6h_JM or Avicci- Wake me up! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5y_KJAg8bHI  Hope this helps you with depression if you got it and feeling depressed, take a listen to it. 


Have a great Tuesday!


Chris