My Mental Health Is Better Then It Has Been!

              I can be honest with you guys, my mental health has been better then it has been. I mean with friends turning on me this year, my mental health got bad again and I really had to deal with hence one of the reasons I stopped volunteering this year to deal with myself first. My mental health and well-being is the upmost importance to me at this time. I have been working on getting myself a lot happier and it has been honestly an uphill battle especially with dealing with Everything About Reality TV and what I really wanna do if I wanted to continue or just call it quits with it and honestly I think this one of the reasons I have been down and not myself as this podcast has really brought me down and I can say 4 years, 12 seasons, over 240 + Episodes it is the right time to stop the podcast and move on and I am happier now with the right decisions. I have to think what is best for me and makes me the happiest and this is the best decision. Now with friends, like I said I know who my friends are after losing 2 friends I know who my real friends are and happy with the friends I got right now. I am feeling so much better that I have control of my own life and not let anyone get in the way. Eric really opened up my mind in the past few weeks and has made me think so that has helped me.


                I can say I am in a much happier place now and nothing will stop my happiness and one thing I am planning on doing is staying positive and it has helped me as the more positive I am the better things are for me. I have been thinking things a lot more clearly and sometimes I will talk things out in my studio and figure things out. Also I have been thinking about the pros and cons of things and honestly it has helped me. Either way I am a lot happier and able to think clearly, however with my podcast ending, it will really help me clear up but give me a few weeks and the motivation and happiness will be up but right now I have to focus on finishing up the podcast then take the next step. That is another thing, I am able to take baby steps and one step at a time as some things are a step by step but I have to also take one day at a time and that seems to help as well. Either way I am a happy go lucky person and my happiness is what matters as I do not want to go back into a depression ever again, I want to remain happy. I know in the end it is not easy even with someone that has autism since I was young and I just have to somehow deal with it and with the tools I have been given, I need to continue to follow it. 



Chris

Mental Health Has Not Been So Great Lately....

          I have to say today's post wasn't easy to come up with and I say starting at the blank canvas of the blog on the back side of the website trying to come up with what to write and it finally came to me I want to talk about my Mental Health recently. First of all I was going to do a food review but then I ate before leaving to go out to Pickering for the day so that food review was thrown out the window but will happen again in the very nearby future indeed next time we are out there, I promise to do that for sure! Now my mental health hasn't been great and it started at the end of July into early with a situation which I will not name any names but I asked them to leave a group I run and come back as I did something stupid and they did only half so I think that is when the stress started was from there. Then being blocked for no reason but really I do not care at this point what they do, I won't say anything to them from here on out and that is honestly my choice I can only make. Also I lost friends over the weekend which I did something I regret doing now and that is I scratched my hand open and haven't done that in months now and honestly I do not want to be doing this to myself ever again. I need to work on that and I am going to. I have been self talking myself out of it but for the most part it has worked but I need to add one more thing to ensure it doesn't happen again. Now I was suppose to volunteer at a Kar Show Friday but I started to feel overwhelmed and I made the decision to focus on my mental health right now.


              Today is a better day so far but every couple of days I seem to still have those moments and I just do not know why it's happening. Maybe I am just am just overwhelmed right now and I am letting it just get to me perhaps. I shouldn't but least I am now recognizing what is going on with me in my life and it has indeed helped me in the long run but still work to be done honestly. However the fact I am able to know what is going on with me is a big plus. I honestly think that there is too much going on for me right now from keeping up with blog posts, podcasts and some other stuff that involves this very website that has now been put up on hold for right now. I will be talking about it this evening on the blog here so do not worry but right now I have to figure things right now and it is all about me right now and focusing on myself which is now a priority right now.



Chris

I Just Do Not Know Anymore...

               Friendships has been tested this year between 3 friendships which are now done, I am at a point, I just do not want to do Chris B On The Web for what I was doing before. I know I have become quite popular with Everything About Reality TV but honestly since the friendship I have made a decision maybe I need to step down from the Big Brother 21 and Amazing Race Canada 7 recaps for the summer, however I do not have anyone to replace me, so I am stuck with the recaps but I maybe I just need to get the heck away from here for 6 days and yes I am referring to the holiday I am taking. I just cannot be done with Everything About Reality TV like that, I have gained so many listeners over time and to quit now while I have a good momentum with viewership and now adding on to the list Twitch.TV as a video platform since I am refusing the heck out of YouTube as the platform is not like it use to honestly.  Right now it is hard for me to even think about the podcast even though I made a plan to continue on with the podcast but right now, I am starting to have second thoughts. I know this podcast has been running since September 2015 which this year marks the 4th year of it being on the air, I just do not wanna to let you guys down and I am made so many strides in the last year with being reached out by companies and of course network that reached out to me about covering Music City so there is reason why this podcast has stayed around such a long time.


               I honestly do not know what to do, I lost pretty much all my listeners on Twitch and have to start from scratch again, this is why I wanted to stay Audio ONLY and unsure if to go to YouTube or Twitch or where as my Twitch account is on it's last leg as it has been banned twice so I really have to be careful but I never really thought about doing video whatsoever with the podcast and even before getting more and more requests to do the podcast live, I just not sure if it is the right fit for it honestly but giving it a go indefinitely and I know I have people interested and maybe once I get the ball rolling with the podcast it will be a lot more busier in the chatroom but do not forget I am just started out. I should just try and go with the flow and maybe I am just over thinking things especially with going away this Friday and nervous for when I return home to catching back up with it. It will all work out in the end and I am sure I'll be just fine. I just gotta get through being down and depressed and being around a friend is what I just need tomorrow and I cannot wait to hangout with them.




Chris

The Past Week Has Been Nothing But Mass Chaos For Me!

                 This week has been nothing but mass chaos for me with being behind schedule again and work piled up on me is making me think is this additional podcast worth it? Well yes I wanted to do it but I was hoping by May 22nd it would of stuck to that schedule but it is what it is. Plus I have had appointments and meetings all week and no time to edit the podcast and have it up on time. But Thursday I was only a tad bit late which isn't bad at all. However, I am excited for this week as it is going to be a busy, busy week for me with Easter coming up and dealing with the podcasts but don't forget I have done two podcasts in a day once when I covered Music City so I should be able to handle the stress levels of that. But I think this week, I worried a lot about the upcoming week as Easter is nearby and I will be busy with the family so what I am doing is pre-planning my days ahead of time before I get into this very busy week. 


                   It is always with me planning, planning, planning and executing this plan. I haven't stopped since January rolled in since Music City as I have been busy with that podcast, but Celebrity Big Brother, Survivor, Big Brother Canada and finally Amazing Race, I have just gone on non stop. I don't think I will end up sleeping tonight at all or not very much due to the stress and worries with the final weeks of 4 episodes a week, then moving down to 2 then down to 1 podcast a week finally. I just want a break from it all honestly. I have also been stressing that CBS has yet said an official renewal of Big Brother US 21 that has been driving me up the wall waiting and waiting for official news even though reliable Big Brother sources say it will be back this summer but yet their is no official word from CBS themselves. 


                   At this point all I can say is Amazing Race Canada 6 is the only one that I am covering and if they decide at the last second to bring it back this summer, more then likely I may end up taking the summer off from Big Brother 21 as this is driving me absolutely insane honestly. I know you guys the fans are starting to lose patience but it is CBS for you. I think I have made my decision for the 11th season of Everything About Reality TV and will be making the announcement soon enough, hopefully by mid June/Late June at the most. I am beyond frustrated, mentally exhausted and tired and need a break from it and once Amazing Race completes, I hope I have a week or so off before starting up the next season. I can tell you this, I have already made the decision for no many or no off season podcasts, however, that could change but I usually got my mind made up to what I wanna do with CBOTW. 



Chris

Feels Like 2016 All Over Again....

           Right now I am not thinking straight right now.... As you know with the recent additions to the podcast I think I am just overwhelmed and not myself and I am so confused with things and people are literally worried about me right now. Honestly my mental state or mental health isn't all there right now. I need to learn to just deal with it and work with the schedule and I always record in the mornings so I should continue on with it honestly. Honestly this is only for a few weeks then I am down to 2 per weeks which is half of what the schedule is going to be starting next week so what the heck am I honestly complaining about. It's only a few freakin weeks honestly which isn't much and the final weeks of both Big Brother Canada & Survivor Edge of Extinction will go quite quickly. I just gotta work hard and make sure I am going to have it ready for the actual release at the new times that I have mentioned. 


              What did I mean it feels like 2016.... I just feel with everything going on right now it feels like how The Entertainment Man Talk Show ended in the final months of it's existence and I just do not want Everything About Reality TV ending in the same way that ended and if it ended anytime soon, it would definitely be on a good high note as of right now I am currently standing at 191 Episodes, 192 today as I recorded yet again today for the Preview of Amazing Race 31 which starts a week today which should be exciting honestly I should show the excitement levels. If I think of it, if it ends start of June to Mid June at the most which I do not know when the finale will be at this moment but I am sure I will have a few weeks off from this podcast and I think I will be not doing many off season podcasts, I am going to take the break I need without worrying about it. 


                 Honestly I do not want it to end up like almost 3 years ago as I was in a very dark place and honestly it felt like that tonight as I felt the control I had slipping through my fingers and I was going back into my old ways. I don't need to go back that way cause it wasn't a pretty face to see honestly and this all started back two days ago at the mall when visiting with Eric. I am just not with it and I am in need a mental break from doing this podcast which when I was on YouTube before this begun, I didn't have that break and it feels like that even now. When I was not in the right frame of mind which I did really stupid things to myself and it's no lies and honestly I do not wanna go back into that depression and corner like I was in and I assure you this is not going to happen again. I am just currently in a funk and need to get out of it and fast.



Chris

My Sleep Is Really Weird Right Now!

              My sleep right now is beyond nuts.... I am right now getting 3 - 4 hours a night and up at either 1230 am, 1 or 130 am or 2 am EST which means I am up half the night and I really need to get this insanity under control as I need to get my regular sleep back. What do I mean about this. Recently since I got some sleep back during the night due to when I had the flu bug which as you know I was in bed non stop and sleeping tons during the day time. Think that is one of the reasons why my sleep is really out of sync right now is my body is trying to tell me to sleep at night.... But I have only either had 3 - 5 hours of sleep every night so it isn't good at all. If you wonder what I do is this... I catch up on CBOTW work, prep for podcasts, write the daily blog posts that you have seen for the past 11 days straight as I am on a 31 day blog challenge at the moment. The fact I end up napping in the morning for 3 - 4 hours hurts my sleep at night. As I was at at 1130 pm last night and up majority of the night, I need to force myself to stay up all day with no sleep in order to correct this sleep issue and that is my plan for today as I have been up most of the day so far and I am planning to stay up as you know today is Music City RECAP day and I need to edit the podcast and ready to release to you guy guys. I can say at night I seem to be a night hawk and it is actually the time I am most productive here in the studio but still I need to still have a regular sleep schedule.


              Hopefully if I can stay awake the rest of the day, I will be sleeping well tonight and hopefully this corrects things where I can finally sleep right through the night and maybe I will be up at 4 or 430 in the morning which mind you is a lot better then what I mentioned above as it is ridiculous, beyond ridiculous  being up this early in the morning but I guess it is part of being a podcaster and blogger, it comes with the territory of being a content creator. Gotta always be on my feet at all time, not literally! lol. I know for someone that has been up all night, I still get the work done and I try and make the best of my time if worse comes to worse and if I do not have any work to do which isn't usually the case with me but if I don't have any work to do I usually will play some video games on my spare time from time to time.



Chris

Been Feeling A Bit Down In The Last 2- 3 Days...

                 I cannot hide the facts that I haven't been myself lately and my moods have been all the over the place, there has been days I didn't want to take my medication for my PDD (Autism) but it's more the fact I feel like I wasted my time giving someone who was earning my trust back with it going out the window and really fast. That has been dragging me down in the last 2 - 3 days, just trying to figure out how to deal with this and to keep up with taking my medication as I know and experience, if I do not take it, then my temper is pretty bad and my friends have seen and do not want to see me miserable and unhappy and I really appreciate that family and friends have been there for me in the past but yes I hid the really facts why some posts weren't constructed well on social media, I just had that I don't really wanna post anything right now, not in the mood. You can tell by my voice for those who are on the Facebook Group live I did yesterday morning on my big adventure yesterday.


                 I am really grateful for great family members and friends who I can count on to cheer me up when I am down in the dumps and recently that has been the case. My friend and former staff member from my previous life as a YouTube is a prime example, he was able to calm me down within a few minutes as I was really fired up and I won't get into specific details of the situation as that is personal but he was able to calm me down and get me to change my mind about going out yesterday and enjoying the day out and trust me I sure did enjoy myself so much I wanna do it again soon! LOL. 


                   Which brings me to today, since i was back late and I am talking late, late like 11 - 11:15 pm EST which was well worth I tell you! But today I slept into today almost till noon but my mom woke me up as she was going out today so it was all good but been moping around the house and the studio today trying to get the Big Brother Canada 6 Cast Preview Podcast notes done and over with but no beef with getting it up tonight but if you tuned into the last podcast, I covered all my bases the other day as I said it would of been today or tomorrow. So today has not been a good day, been struggling all day, just really hope and pray tomorrow is a better day for me and I hope I can perk up and be happy again.

Have a great night!


Chris

My Mental Health Is No So Good Once Again...

              It's not like I didn't take my meds for my Persuasive Development Disorder (PDD) or also known as autism but today wasn't a great day and my friends ensured me none of this was my fault. But I feel responsible for my actions towards knocking the chair over and dropping my Contiago cup which is medal to the floor spilling the rest of my drink onto the floor making a mess, then grabbing my jacket and walking out the door with me kicking it further on the floor then knocking over the wet floor sign, out the door, then proceeding to kick the garbage can and spill the rest of my drink on the ground from the bottle then the rest of the day is history. 


               Now, I haven't had a mental breakdown this bad since April of last year and it is very concerning to me to when my moods gets this bad but I wonder if it is because of my lack of sleep in the last several days is what could be the culprit behind it as you all know I have been busy with the website recently, podcasts and the blog, I am not surprised I can hold in all this stress in for this long. Only a few people know what is going on with me with the lack of sleep problem but not everyone knew what was going on, only 2 friends if I remember knew about it. Now I ended up scratching my poor hand open and it's the first time since July of last year this has happened which is a good thing, I am not making it a habit of me doing that constantly to myself, so I am learning to not do harm to myself but I need to continue on with sticking to my strategies I have learned in the past year and a half almost now and keeping up with it. Now I walked away, however I could of gone without kicking my cup on the floor or knocking the wet floor sign or kicking the garbage can and things could of been better. But also I could of gone without hurting myself. However with me just deciding to go home, that was a smart move on my part and should of left sooner then sticking around, this could of been prevented but I of course listened to my friends advice and I always appreciate my friends sticking up for me or being supportive of me. 


                 There is a long road to my mental health getting better and I think without friends that turn on me on a dime or wants to cause problems ,I was in a much happier place till today happened. With my current circle of friends and my family supporting me, I know I can not self harm myself, I know I can control my anger and frustrations if people try to start trouble, I gotta just work harder and use my strategies and I know I will be a happier person and always smiling like I have in the past few weeks.


Have a great night!


Chris

Depression: How I Deal With It On A Regular Basis!

              I have had a rough go in the last year with staff betraying me and turning their backs on me and the change from YouTube to Podcasting field and I have had my share of depression and dealing with it quite often enough when stressed or this heat is driving me nuts, I tend to get down and depressed. 

               
                A few ways I deal with the depression are watching funny TV Shows such as Home Improvement, The Three Stooges, which I gotta say The Three Stooges will really lift my mood up and some of the days it doesn't help and that's OK, I just try to take it easy if that is the case I just try to deal with the situation to the best of my ability and try to keep a positive mind and some days when I am not having it and just don't wanna do crap for all, I just decide to play video games for a while or for the remainder of the night and get back to my task at hand in the morning when my mind is fresh and good to go.  That is the strategy when I am down and depressed on those particular days. I don't give up but sometimes walking away and leaving it be till the next day. Just yesterday if I remember I got back into catching up with Big Brother 19 Which I was behind 5 episodes from the past week and Amazing Race Canada 5 which I am not sure what in the world got me motivated, yes I have been down and depressed the last few days and I guess that motivation and drive came out of me wanting to get back to and catching up on the podcasts and now I am doing a blog post to catch up on these too! I guess when I get depressed, the drive and passion was there in my head, wanting to catch up with things try to continue on with Chris B On The Web. 


                    As long as I got that passion and drive to continue on with Chris B On The Web which is probably a good thing. These days I try to forget I am depressed and try and live my daily life to the fullest, it may not be easy but I try to make the best out of it everyday to the best of my ability and not worry about what makes me down and depressed, sometimes it catches up to me someday's I am so distracted, I am just purely just focused on the task at hand and it sometimes works and sometimes it doesn't. It truly depends what mood I am in, some days I dont wanna have it with any of my website and not do anything, some days like the last day or so, I wanna catch up like this week, which is good there is motivation still there for me.



Have a great night!



Chris

Feeling Good!

        With the recent events that has gone on, I am starting slowly come around and be a bit happier then I have been over the last 4 days.  However, I am still depressed on and off and my sleep has been completely derailed in the last few days, meaning someday's I sleep normal, some nights I sleep at 6 pm till midnight then up throughout the night. However I am more up and open to talking to my parents compare to the last few days I've been very quiet but today I am very talkative person and more open to talking to my friends, neighbors and family.  Today I also feel like podcasting, like getting the podcasts that are missing up on chrisbontheweb.com, podcasts.com, stitcher.com & TuneIn! Which surprised me entirely that I wanted to get caught up with the missing podcasts that were missing and as of tonight I will be caught up on last week but tomorrow I am doing my Amazing Race 29 Preview Podcast and of course my Survivor Game Changers Recap Podcast but I have to take one thing at a time and in time I will be entirely caught up with podcasts right to the end of the week and I can rest easy on the weekend. There will be no more preview podcasts to worry about till the summer time when BB19 and Amazing Canada comes out so it will not be a worry. Yea I am still depressed and stressed out but I cannot leave my site as it is with no content so right now I am playing catch up. But being back in the saddle of the podcast and I am finally getting back to normal slowly. I think I will end up going back onto FB Sunday, think a week will be good enough of a break for me and everything will go back to normal and I will not have to worry about the people causing me drama anymore.


Sorry for the short post but have a great night!



Chris

Not Been The Greatest...

This is the hardest blog I have ever written, so much rushing through my mind right now to what to say.... Since more friends wanna turn their backs on me, it has put me into a complete tail spin of a downward spiral, I had one heck of a meltdown and hurt myself pretty bad. Today my mood is kind of somber, I am very quiet, haven't had much to eat just toast and peanut butter and probably wont be eating anything else today. I threw my Contigo cup against the old TV and I'm surprised it didn't crack the freakin screen. I doubt it'd work over the abuse its had recently... Ha ha. I am trying to smile a lot more today but its hard to crack a smile with the recent situation. I've pretty well turned on a group of people who care so much about me and my well being, but at this point I feel like I can't trust certain people, feel like I am unable to trust anyone who is my friend because they will turn on me in a dime. Had that happened this year with 3 people and 2 last year being 2 long friendships that have it's best times and it's worst times. I've been avoiding Facebook this week so far but minimal communication with people, such as people who have IM'd me back to make sure I am ok and also my Staff (My Team) I am keeping direct contact with so I can make sure everything is still going to plan. YES! I am trying to keep things as normal as possible when it comes to the operating of Chris B On The Web. I may be dealing with my Mental Health right now but I still want to get stuff out too as well ON Time and not fall behind like last year. Even if I ended up in the hospital, I probably be behind a few podcasts if I stayed over night or a few days but glad I am home and resting and trying to deal with this on my own terms which I should give props for as I am giving it my will power to try and deal with this on my own and I know I do have the option to walk into the Emergency to the crisis unit to talk to someone if I felt like I am still out of control and I feel out of control in my head still, my head is all over the place right now dealing with this, just not sure where my head is at these days with all the friendships falling apart and I just do not know who my friends are anymore in my real life, I just don't feel like I am wanted on Facebook and close to 100% wanting to delete my Facebook account and give certain friends and family my email to keep in touch, that's it.  I got till Sunday as I am taking the week off from the site to decided whether I am returning to Facebook or not. Now mind you I got family on there and high school and college friends, however maybe I need to be careful who I add and trust around my email and Facebook friends list at this point. Yes this is real life friends too I am talking about. Anyways that is the update what is going on with me and why I have been a bit quiet on Twitter and behind the podcasts especially.


Have a great night!


Chris